The last few weeks have been difficult for me. Dave left. My motivation dropped off. My fatigue increased. My ability to make decisions fell sharply. And while those who are close to me are probably sick to death of the when to leave and what to do, the question of travel logistics is only part of my problem. The rest of my frazzled mind is left with more existential and less pressing issues of identity and productivity and professional ambition and long-term stability. Meanwhile I mold the mind of America’s future all day and keep the furry hearts of my dogs all night.
Whenever I have angst, I tend to turn inward. Occasionally I’ll run or walk or talk it out, but mostly I brood and let my eyes fill with tears just enough to blink them away and eat more chocolate. I go to bed early and read books that bring me comfort and listen to music.
A couple of nights ago I felt particularly sorry for myself after a fight with my sister that included my catchphrase from 1997 ‘No one understands me!’ and I was reminded of the anthems of that same era. Jewel. Oh Jewel. I would listen to her music WHILE reading her book of poetry. For real. I loved her voice. Her lyrics. The way it seemed she understood my problems, when in reality no one could understand how the issues of a teenage girl in one of the happiest homes in middle America could be considered problems. Jewel got me through mean-girl depression. Through my first love, which ended in my first heartbreak. Through the whole mess of disturbing events that is high school. I loved her then. I love her still.
For those of you who need a heart-hug today, a treat from my formative years.