The Screaming Goomba

I don’t want to get into the causes of the extreme tension in my back, neck, shoulders and brain, but I knew one solution to the problem could be a massage. I don’t get massages very often, because too many times I’ve been disappointed by the experience. However, fortune smiled upon me by bringing us back to Bakersfield where we have a connection to the best massages in the world. Period. So if you ever come to Bakersfield, and I hope you do, I will set you up with Wendy, the woman who makes me want to cry out in pain but yet actually makes me see that as a good thing. She’s special, that Wendy.

Some people want a light, gentle, soothing massage. So they should make sure to be very clear with Wendy about that. Because Wendy’s service is to work you over in a way that you didn’t think possible. She finds knots that have been plaguing your shoulder since you pulled a muscle playing with your Game Boy too vigorously in 1992. And she attacks that knot the way Super Mario attacks Goombs on aforementioned Game Boy. I suddenly feel sorry for the Goombas.

For 90 minutes Wendy worked over the worst of the damage I’ve done to my body, sometimes with a soothing effect and other times bringing me to the brink of my pain tolerance. (sidenote: during that massage when I was nearly crying out, I realized I may be physically unable to endure natural childbirth) I had involuntary muscle twitching and made lots of sounds like ‘grrrummpsssssfffferrrrrrt’ and ‘plerrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnddddddgggg.’ At one point when I was on my stomach with face down in that circular head support thing, I was actually making a face similar to that of the man in Munch’s ‘The Scream’, silently trying to bear through the pain that I knew would lead to pleasure. At another point, Wendy was working over one particular spot for a great length of time with a lot of force, and I swear to you I was thinking ‘Um…that’s a bone!’ So, foolishly underestimating Wendy’s knowledge of anatomy, I asked her what, exactly, was giving her so much trouble there. Answer: A fatty deposit. PARDON!? Turns out if you get a small tear in a muscle your body may put a ‘fatty despoit’ over it as a bandaid. And then your body covers over the bandaid with a knot with the same density of a bone. And then your massage person has to beat the crap out of you in order to dispose of it by ending with the statement ‘I hope you don’t bruise easily!’ I don’t, Wendy! Carry on!

I left Wendy’s studio lightheaded and radiant. Once I got home I guzzled water and sipped tea and sat quietly to absorb the effects of her work. And the next day, while not bruised, I was sore in the places she had worked the hardest. But a few days out, I realize those knots truly are gone and even if I had bruised it would have been totally worth it. Despite my minor paranoia that massage therapists gather together once a week to discuss their work and this week my ‘plerrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnddddddgggg’ sounds will be what they are laughing about, I’ll be going back very soon.

5 thoughts on “The Screaming Goomba

  1. Wendy sounds wonderful! I have to say I’m a bit jealous, I’ve been going to physical therapy for a few weeks now and part of the therapy is a tissue massage. The therapist is so gentle it’s not doing anything, I wish I had a Wendy.Hope you feel better soon.

  2. Hello everyone, nice blog, by the way. Our company sells wholesale massage tables and chairs, which might be of interest to some of you guys. If you would like to check out our website, it has prices and pictures of our products. Tables are on sale for $175 and our chairs are $150.

  3. Ooohh, your Wendy sounds wonderful!! 90 whole minutes?! The most I have ever gotten out of the physical therapist was 30 min….sniff, sniff. I can only imagine the wonders that can be performed in 90 min…sounds wonderful.

  4. i just went the landmark’s website to get their phone number for some NYE reservations and a lovely photo of you in your wedding dress popped up!! love that you are on there!hope all is well

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