You Aren’t Moving To Canada

It’s election time again in Ammmmmmmeriiiica (oh wait no, that’s a year away but US news outlets are obsessed already of course barf) so of course people have to start making threats to move to Canada should things go wrong. Just want to point out a couple of things on that front:

1) You know how in the US we have immigration policies and rules and we like to make them reallllll tough because we’re special and everyone wants to be us and also…let’s build a fence! A big one! With a crocodile moat! Well other countries :::wait for it::: have immigration policies too and you can’t just walk in and expect them to be thankful because you left the “best” country in the world for something slightly less amazing! They think THEY are special, too and they don’t want every moron with a passport squatting within their borders! It’s so weird you guys! So you can’t just move there. Stop saying you will because you won’t (due to your Target addiction and fear of a real winter) and even if you could you can’t. I can (and still probably won’t), but you can’t. Na na na boo boo.

2) It’s possible that before making move-to-the-northern-neighbor threats (even though they are empty, see above) you should do some research. On Canadian government and current affairs. And while they do not live with the shame that was the Bush 2.0 and 2.1 administrations or the threat of ohmygodwhatisNewtGingrichdoingbackintheheadlines, they aren’t just a land of peace-loving, all-accepting, socialist, charity workers. They are a LOVELY people, I can promise you that, but they have :::wait for it::: a political spectrum that INCLUDES Conservatives and dumbasses and ignorant fools. In short, we got our troubles, they got theirs. If you want to make threats to move to the place where your problems are solved, I say drink a bottle of wine to wash down two Ambien and meet me in Narnia.

In conclusion, I give you the best result of Canadian-American (marital) relations ever to exist.


5 thoughts on “You Aren’t Moving To Canada

  1. Funny you’d write about this. A couple of weeks back I told my husband that I will NOT survive another winter in NL and that we HAVE TO move to a Greek island. Point. And while I was doing my research on the issues important to ME (which island has the highest number of sunny days annually) it turns out that there is some stuff going on there and there is an ever so slight chance that I would not be able to land my dream (paid!) job dreaming up research proposals lounging on the beach and sipping raki. I am severely disappointed.

    Ah well, Narnia it is.

  2. Ha! I love this so effing much.

    It’s just something about elections that make people want to jump the border and give up on the ‘best country in the whole wide world’.

  3. I was just talking about this with someone the other day – it’s so cliche for people to say this now! Every country has it’s issues; I have no idea why people would assume otherwise.

    Also Hello Kitty Toaster (whom you commented on my blog about last night) is from Canada! At their post-elopement “let’s do it for real this time”-wedding, an entire cadre of Canadians flew down and I heard that “well, we’ll be moving closer to you after the ’12 election!” said to them about fifty times through the course of the reception.

    Great post!

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