WARNING: Watching “Magic Mike” Can Cause Actual Physical Pain

I love my sister. A lot. I do things for her I wouldn’t do for anyone. Like last night, for example, when I went with her to ‘Magic Mike.’ A movie about male strippers. Besides any Nicholas Sparks movie and/or something with a love triangle, this is my movie-going nightmare.

This movie was chosen because my sister has a bit of a “thing” for Channing Tatum. Her and like 2 million other women. Although maybe the other women in question didn’t once spend a whole day Googling him and having bad feelings towards his wife. She had to give her head a shake otherwise I think we would have found her on a red-eye to L.A. with that crazy “I love you so much I want to stab you” look on her face.

If I had to give a review of this movie in a once sentence:

“I am so embarrassed right now but I don’t know why.”

Or perhaps:

“This movie will make you wish for death.”

I am not giving Magic Mike a thumb’s down because I’m too cool for popular culture. I totally see the appeal of easy, fun movies that don’t make us think to hard or get too angry. I want to relax for 2 hours in a dark room full of strangers sometimes. I go to all Will Ferrell movies. I get it.

But this was just too much. Anytime I have to watch a grown man writhe around on a stage and hump a lady’s face to Ginuwine’s ‘My Pony’, things have taken a turn for the terrible. The last time I heard that song I was experiencing freshman-in-college-freedom on the dance floor of Phi-Beta-SuchandSuch and I prefer we leave those memories undisturbed.

Sitting in a room full of women, many the age of my own mother, while they squeal and giggle as a shiny man gyrates to ‘It’s Raining Men’ is beyond my threshold for pain.

Channing Tatum was, I’ll admit, funny. I can see how other women think he is cute, but a hairless Cro Magnon-GI Joe doesn’t really do it for me. His more beardy co-star with a smaller skull-size was more my cup of tea.

I think the worst scene in this movie was every scene with Matthew McConaughey. What is going on with that weird man?! I do not want to see a Jerry-Curled, spray-tanned 40-something with a (what seems to be) exaggerated drawl screaming his 1993 Dazed and Confused catchphrase over and over again. ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT we get it already! For me the low point hit as the movie climaxed and we had to watch McConaughey sing a guitar solo, shirtless and in leather pants. A mere minute later he pulled on a secret panel and the bit of those pants covering his ass cheeks of those pants came off. Truly one of the wishing-for-death moments. Perhaps that’s what the director was going for?

All the acting and plot holes aside, the highlight of this experience was my sister. Totally twitterpated by Channing Tatum. Or maybe it was Magic Mike she was so in love with last night? ‘Did you SEE what he just did?’ in reference to his speed-thrusting the floor. ‘SEE how funny he is!?’ ‘Isn’t he just the sweetest?!’ ‘Isn’t he so amazing?’ I thought about saying…isn’t he a 2-dimensional fictional character? But I didn’t because I remember how Keanu Reeves made me have sweaty palms which in turn made me feel compelled to watch ‘Speed’ about 25 times. I was 13 at the time. Maybe she is just a late bloomer.

If I am ever kidnapped and tortured, I hope my captors aren’t readers of my blog. This movie on a loop would be the perfect way to break my spirit. I love you sister.

4 thoughts on “WARNING: Watching “Magic Mike” Can Cause Actual Physical Pain

  1. Thanks for the warning Lane! ick. – found your blog via Jess’s following…and I love your writing…your good…reallll good.

  2. hahaha!! I stumbled across you blog and I love reading your posts. I watched this movie with my friends, and I felt the exact same way as you, happy someone else shares the feeling! 🙂 On the other hand my friends loved the movie like your sister! haha

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