Today was the kind of day, as a parent, where I just wanted a break. I wanted my mom to come over, my best friend to pick her up, a stranger with a notarized background check to offer to whisk her off for an hour.
She was not terribly naughty or especially high maintenance. Just the normal amount of maintenance plus a dab of ‘I’m almost 3 years old, I know what I want, lady.’
The kind of day where bananas have to be cut a certain way but certainly NOT cut another way…oh wait nevermind don’t cut the banana at all and WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT IS THE LAST BANANA?! Where no matter how many times you take it on and off something just does not feel right about her shoe. Where she continuously refused to attempt a nap while struggling through the words ‘I’m *yawn* not *yawn* tired!’ The kind of day where she picks a game and you have to play it on a continuous loop for several hours. Each loop, mind you, is about 30 seconds long. Let me illustrate.
V: Let’s play Horton! I’m Vlad Vladikof! You are Horton! Hold on to your speck!
me: <holding an imaginary speck in the way I imagine I would hold a real speck>
V: NO! Not like that! Hold the speck like this <shows proper speck holding procedure, which to me looks exactly like what I was already doing> then tell me not to take it from you!
me: Please! Don’t take this speck! <she takes the “speck”>
V: Now I fly away and you have to chase me to get your speck back!
me: <chasing with all the enthusiasm I can muster, also known as not that much enthusiasm>
Oh that game doesn’t sound hard to you? Try doing it 358 times in a row with the exact same script. I’ve started a list ‘New Ways To Torture That Won’t Break International Law’ and this type of thing is at the top.
But we got through it and the merciful grace of bedtime shined down upon us. And I put her to bed, and gave her a smooch. Approximately 60 seconds after leaving her room:
V: MOM! MOM! MOM! <crying>
me: <cursing the gods and all that is holy WHY OH WHY CAN SHE NOT JUST GIVE ME SOME PEACE AND GO TO SLEEP FOR PREFERABLY 15 CONSECUTIVE HOURS as I head back to her room> Yes, honey?
V: I need you to lay with me.
me: <can I not have some space some time some SOMETHING today!?> Sure babe.
V: <curls up close when I lay down> Thanks, mom. This helps a lot. I love you.
me: <melting into a puddle of guilt and shame>
This is how they get you. The. End.
Beautiful photo by my friend Samantha, check out her work here.