Universally Understood

See this lovely girl here? Her name is Lladka and she is from the Czech Republic. She speaks exactly no English and I, as you may have guessed, speak no Czech. We both speak German at the level of about a 4-year old native speaker. She is a lovely girl, and through our broken, awkward and charades-like conversations, I have learned quite a bit about her. But on the rare occasion that a large number of people from Dave’s team get together, the stilted but smiley dialogue I have with Lladka is the least of my concerns. Last night, we gathered at Fred’s Bowling and mother-tongues of those present included English, German, Russian, Czech, Slovakian and Croatian. While many of our European counterparts are multilingual, there is always a lot of translating, Pictionary and previously mentioned charades in order to have a mutually intelligible conversation. Until the ultimate Interpreter is brought out. The Interpreter comes in various forms, and last night it was known as ‘beer’ and ‘vodka shots.’ My German skills skyrocket from the 4-year old level to the 6.5-year old level, my sign language becomes more fluent, and my non-linguistic methods of communication (ie: booty shaking, thumbs upping, high-fiving) become en fuego. I’m hot, people, burning up.

So, in the photo montage to follow, you can see that all those present at Fred’s on this lonely Sunday in Crimmy made ample use of the Interpreter. We learned things about each other that we will neither comprehend nor remember the morning after the visit from the Interpreter. But the point of the Interpreter isn’t so much attaining and retaining personal information about each other, but more so just to break the ice and perhaps incite hilarity so we can all pantomime it to each other the next time we’re together.

German Unity Day

Today celebrates the anniversary of German reunification in 1990, following the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. It’s amazing to think that less than 20 years ago there were two separate Germanies, and to see first hand how this country still strives towards achieving some sense of ‘oneness’.

So, in the spirit of all this unity, I feel that we must address the issue of disunity that plagues bedrooms across this great nation. While I can’t bespeak the various marital issues that may cause certain conflicts for bed partners, I can state with some level of certainty that the mattress issue is not helping matters. Let me explain: If you sleep in double bed here in Germany, you are actually lying on a twin-size mattress squeezed into a double frame next to another twin-size mattress. Each mattress has it’s own twin-sized sheet and it’s own duvet-covered quilt. Essentially, we’re talking about a bunk bed gone horizontal.

I won’t deny that this Individual Mattress System (IMS) has it’s benefits. For example, Dave is what we would call your chronic tosser-turner, with a low grade case of constant-pillow-turning. (So that he can “feel the cold side.” What?) The IMS allows for me to sleep virtually unimpeded while he thrashes about. With a standard mattress, I would be thrown into the mix, feeling every toss and cursing every turn. The IMS keeps his turbulence isolated, and I am allowed to sleep in the motionless manner that I so enjoyed in my single days. But beyond this, the IMS gives us nothing but trouble.

Firstly, when you feel the urge to cuddle your sweetheart, you have the bridge the gap between the mattresses. Sometimes this entails shoving a blanket or small pillow into the crack so that you don’t feel like you are sliding in the abyss as you spoon. Laying sideways across the space can lessen the discomfort, but this, too, is only a band-aid solution. At other times the gap is too discouraging, and we go our separate ways. Instead of snuggling in the middle of the mattress as we normally would, we find ourselves high-fiving over the space between the mattresses. Clearly, this is not good for marital unity.

And so, on this day when we celebrate the spirit of harmony and cooperation, I propose that we end this travesty today! I want ONE mattress on which to spread out in the starfish position. I want ONE comforter under which I can benefit from Dave’s body heat instead of being forced to make my own. Why did I get married if not to steal body heat in the night? I want a night of NO mattress-bridging, no long distance goodnights.